So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
