Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
