Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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