I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
