Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
