By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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