I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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