He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
