Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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