Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
