Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
