just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Everyone says I win the strip club
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
