I just cut my nipple shaving
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
