I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
