Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
