My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
