My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
