My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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