There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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