Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I need water and some morals
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
