I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i don't like sucking hair
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
