so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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