You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize