She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
