We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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