I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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