I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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