forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
