I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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