You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
