Quick, to the slutcave!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
