News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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