im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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