We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
