my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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