I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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