So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
