I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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