Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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