We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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