I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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