my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
