I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
