8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
