I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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