Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
50% drunk capacity currently
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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