I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
