Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
