so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Your dad touched me again.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
