Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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