Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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