I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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