did you get engaged???
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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