You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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