Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
