I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
